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LOSING MY HANKY

10/23/2010 10:26:30 PM

 

                I am supposed to write about something else, graduate school requirements. But my heart is telling me I need to let the emotions flow. I had just seen the movie, Letters to Juliet. It was light yet very heartwarming. But it never appeared to me that early how I could possibly relate to it that much. The plot was far from my own story but the struggles Sophie was facing basically reflected my own battle.

 

                She loved her fiancé. She tried to live in his world. She did her best to love everything that was dear to him until she felt she was not special to him anymore. That he simply looks at her but never really sees her. Couples are supposed to want to be with each other all the time even when they really have to be apart. They are supposed to miss each other so much that when they are not together they could hardly wait to be reunited in each other’s arms. But she didn’t feel that Victor felt that way about her. He could go on for days without her. When he is on the phone with her, he would hastily say goodbye for some work to be done, and when he is with her he is always on the phone talking to someone for some work to be done. But Viktor loved her, no doubt. It was just that he loved other things more.

 

                I had not identified with Sophie at the start of the movie not until she started writing that letter for Claire. I realized I had so much of her in me when Claire read that letter that Sophie wrote for her. Listening to it was like listening to the very words of my heart. Sophie believed in the same things I believe about love. I am a psychology professor, not a writer nor a poet. I am supposed to look at emotions objectively but this is how I was born, stubbornly romantic. I am a behavioral scientist who happens to believe in destiny, Soulmates, and TRUE LOVE. I AM romantic and I surely hope to be found by a man who would be in the same length of experiencing life as I am.

 

                I have studied about love and attraction. I have always been convinced that, “birds of the same feathers flock together” but was kept attracted to men who rarely shared anything in common with me. The countless failures and failed relationships I had made me think that maybe I am never meant to be with anybody, blamed my lovers for what happened, and made myself suffer from guilt. But Sophie’s story allowed me to be a little bit more convinced that it was nobody’s fault…we were simply incompatible. I am romantic and very particular with fidelity, honesty, commitment, and the preservation of the traditional values of the family.  My former lovers then had a different perspective. It all had to end. But now, I am more confident that God has not brought me this far just to drop me off. He loves to see the rest of my love story just as He has always planned it to be. In all of my breakups, I have never completely gone over a previous relationship before I jump into another. But this time it has been different. For the first time in my life, I truly understood and embraced the truth that the very cause of my failed relationships was incompatibility. This enlightenment has made me forgive my former lovers and myself. This forgiveness had released me from the chains of bitterness, suffering and unnecessary sense of guilt. For the very first time, after several failed relationships I have moved on, completely… I have gotten over with my recent breakup, surprisingly while single.

 

                Certainly, God wants me to be psychologically ready for my Soulmate. He wants to see me grow mature. He wants me to fall for my Soulmate not because I needed to, to get over with somebody else, but because I simply could not help but love him! God works in amazing ways, truly. I will not worry from now on. I am in GOOD HANDS. I will not choose who to love; I am asking God to do it for me. I surrender my will to Him. I will not even worry about how I will know that it is him. There was nothing He ever did that has not benefited me in the long run. He wants me to feel complete first before I find myself 

I seldom shop for myself. I find it hard to choose whether it’s a dress or shoes I’m trying to buy. I’m picky I guess. Although my choice doesn’t always have anything to do with the trend or anything like that…it’s always about how I feel about the stuff. But at times, though I am not into shopping, I would go pick something up when I really feel good about it. If the circumstances would allow I would really take it…to the extent of spending the very last cent in my purse! Others see it as impulsive but for me it is taking risk. It’s not every day that I get to see something I really like and if I let the chance pass I might spend a lifetime regretting why I didn’t go for it when I had the chance!

 

Now, going back to shopping — if I seldom shop for my wardrobe, I almost never shop intentionally for handkerchiefs. I always lose my hankies after all. Then I came across this neat little store with pretty hankies hanging by a shelf. I bought three and of the three there was this one hanky that I really felt good about. It became my favorite in an instant. This was a year ago or so.

 

Yesterday, I lost that hanky. That was the nth time I lost it, only in all those other times I am not far from the last place I went to that I get the chance to go back and look for it. Yesterday was different. It was too late when I realized it was gone and I’ve been to a lot of places since the last time I remember using my handkerchief. I would be wasting time if I go back to each place considering the possibility that someone might have seen it and trashed it off somewhere. Now, the thought of ‘am I giving up on something that I really love or am I just letting it go’ came to me. Well, do these two really differ or they are just the same? Maybe it’s only me who is trying to make a different sense out of a single thought. I was to drop the inquiry but as what usually happens I could never bring myself to do anything else unless I’ve sorted things out or rationalize events – I am obsessed with finding meanings, finding lessons out of the mundane. So here I am writing down my thoughts lest I lose them as I have this very limited attention span and poor memory.

 

Did I give up on my hanky or I just let it go? I can never stop change. I too have changed, a lot in fact, and more often than not I wasn’t able to stop the change… I needed to, I had to. That hanky had been with me for more than a year now and in all those times it had been lost for times innumerable and in each time I kept finding it again. I always looked for it, and I had always found my way back to it. I never accepted the idea of losing it and so I kept looking whenever I’d lose it. The lesson came subtly, that I need to understand that there are things far more important than chasing and looking for a lost hanky, that although I treasure it as I seldom find one as magnetic as it was to me I still have a life to live. I know I might never find another hanky that would give me the same feeling of comfort with that X Factor but then again I might just find one, maybe better or maybe something not exactly like that hanky but would still be as precious as it is to me. Some things are simply irreplaceable but it doesn’t mean I can’t go on living without them. I didn’t give up, I just let go. Giving up would mean losing faith. Letting go is simply letting things be, without necessarily giving up the faith and the hope that everything happens for a reason.. Sometimes, we need to lose some for others to win some. My hanky might have been found by a Janitor who left his face towel at home or maybe a wounded street kid needed it to wrap it around his wound to hold the bleeding. As for me, I should be happy that I had the chance to enjoy the luxury of using that precious hanky for more than a year. I’m not giving up the faith that my hanky can do so much good for others as it had done for me but I am letting it go, letting it loose. Giving up is losing the essence of ‘something’, letting go is keeping the essence while you allow that ‘something’ to drift away. I am not giving up, I am letting go.